There comes a time where enough is enough. When you hit wall after wall and you just walk away. I am feeling that way in so many areas of my life right now. I feel like I want to move forward but there is something ALWAYS holding me where I am. I know that in the last few years I have moved forward much more then I have in years past. But, again, I am feeling like everything is changing, and it is, and I am not a person who loves change.
My friendships have changed. Some for the better, some for the worse, and some just aren’t friendships at all. And I find myself thinking about it all the time. Thinking about these people, what they are doing, their busy schedules, and how the changes in both our lives have made our friendships almost non-existent. And, there are times I blame myself, because the times and hours and days that I have available, don’t work for them, and the time they have, doesn’t work for me. I feel like the people I am growing closer to, I hold back from letting completely in because I want to hold out for the old. I know this is par of life, but it sucks.
I feel like my relationship has changed. I guess that’s what happens when something BIG happens. But that makes me wonder, if the Big things never happened… would we be where we are. In the past I knew everything and anything (except the cheating and lies) about my relationships within months, yet this one, this one grows. I learn something new all the time. The talks seem to get deeper all the time and the love seems to get stronger, which is all great. Yet, being me, seeing what I have seen first hand in relationships and unions, makes me wonder if this will just become the one that truly breaks me in the end and if I should be letting this get to where it is now and where it will be in a few months.
The way I spend money has changed. I can not remember the last thing I bought for myself, but I can tell you exactly what is in my fridge, how much food the dog has, if he needs more chewy things and that this week I need to pick up socks for Nick. I find myself looking in the toy departments at stores at legos and baby dolls. Curtains that have to be perfect so have yet to be bought and carpets that need the right look before committing to. Not thing is impulse anymore, nothing is “I want that now” and when it comes to new clothes, someone probably died….. As sad as that sounds. All my wants I put on hold until everything else is bought.
My out look on life and the things that I believe in has changed. For example “showing your children how to not forgive is a lesson you cant take back later on and assume they will see when it is ok and not ok” or that telling your little girl “that boy pushed you because he likes you, or made fun of you because he likes you and wants your attention” REALLY? I mean, yes for the most part what we are trying to say is true, but really….. You just told your child that being hit means love….. And we wonder why it takes us till our twenties to figure out what is healthy and not. My favorite being “don’t hit” as I hit you for doing it.
I just feel like everything around me is changed and I know it has and I see it has and all the promises that “it wont change” changed because of everything else. Uuuggghh…. Yuck.
Oh girlie... it's so hard...that thing called change. Here's the thing I have learned in my old age... just because things change doesn't mean they die. Just because things change doesn't mean the feelings do...Change means growth...it's all a part of those horrible things called growing pains... what I loved about your post...was how you talked about Nick and the kind of relationship you have with him...because here's the things...you have always had a best friend and a boyfriend...and finally... they are one in the same.... and that makes me happy for you.
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XOXO