And the monster reared its ugly head

I am just having a sad moment. I know that I will have these from time to time, but this time I am sad for reasons that are actually making me more sad. The day has finally come where I realized that even though I was happy for a friend, and the joy that their baby is coming, I realized that yeap, the monster was finally on my back.

I have talked about all the wonderful and supportive people that I have in my life that say the “maybes and the you never knows” but truth is I know. I knew along time ago. I said it for years and even when it wasn’t something set in stone, I knew. So here I am, this girl who should have had children, the girl that was “most likely” to have kids first out of all my friends, the one that wanted nothing more then to be a mom, cant be.

I am doing WAY better with it then I was. Even though I was sad and had so much support, I didn’t let everyone know how sad. I cried all the time, for no reason, when I saw new babies and mothers loving their kids. I cried when I watched a baby story and I even went through a stage where anything my someday stepson wanted, he got. I remember the day Nick asked me why I was crying if it was something I had already known. Being me, I just told him it was hard because it was something I wanted and that for most girls hearing the words stole the hope away. Even as I sit here and type, my eyes water, the lump in my vocal box grows at a rate that makes talking or swallowing hard and the pain… actually hurts.

So needles to say, I have waited for this day. The day I actually kinda… sorta….without a doubt became jealous, mad and even mean (only in my head) about all the new babies coming. The day that I turn a nose up to cute baby things like babyshowers and little tiny socks! When picking colors for a room is silly because the kid is going to hate it by 5 and want the cool room at their friends house. The day I would actually think the words in my head "ha, I can sleep all night and go out super late and have breakfast and veg out and then drink with some friends and not worry what time the sitter needs to be home!" or even "so what if I planned that trip last minute, I can do things like that" :( All the “maybes” and “God works in weird ways” comments are crap. And the part that makes me even more pissed off is when someone with kids says it to me. REALLY?!?!?!?!?! Because you can truely know that feeling because you can not ever hear I love you mommy, or be hugged like you are the best thing since sliced bread and will never see what a little you looks like..........LIKE YOU HAVE A FREAKIN CLUE!!!!

**deep breath** I do understand that you are trying to help. I do understand that this is awkward for you to understand, even though you want to because you care and love me. But, there are days that I would rather someone say to me “that sucks” instead of “keep your hopes up” because ya really wanna know what hope gets you…. This is what hope gets you>Thinking. Thinking about the things that everyone else gets to talk about in the MOM club, first look, first sound, who they look more like, names, first steps, first words, first time at the beach, first cake, first time they write their name, first time they repeat the four letter word that you yelled out at the jerk who almost took your bumper off, funny dances and first kisses. All of it! It is like this crazy thing playing over and over in your head, playing to the point you can almost smell the baby smell. And even when you have accepted it and understood and got two dogs to try really hard to get past it, it is still there!

There are days I feel like I should and need to stop feeling like this, that I need to just get over it and travel or tell someone I love to use my wonderful and perfect name that I cant use and how to spell it. I want to not hear the words “I wasn’t sure if I should tell you because I didn’t want you to be mad or upset” because the people closes to me don’t want me to feel like I am missing out, but the truth is, I am. Every day! But that doesn’t mean I wont be so happy and excited with and for them (until I get in my car and think about why I bought that car and the shoes I had to give away and the other stuff that makes me cry and get mad all in the same breath….. *** deep breath ***) the worst part is… I do think sometimes that they are wrong, that I can, that I will have it some day, that taking all the drugs that they could try and the bed rest for the entire thing and the visits that would go beyond regular visits just to check to make sure…. Sometimes I do believe it is all gonna work itself out and I will laugh at all this later and say I should have listen to everyone. (but that was yesterday, and yesterday is always followed by today)

It is just a day, and it WILL pass. And when it does, it wont cross my mind (not like this) for awhile. But, today I am going to picture it, again, in my head. Let a tear go or five and ****deep breath **** get past it. And try really hard to not let the jealousy take over. (and maybe once again tell my sister-in-law to be to make me one since she already has adorableness running through her house daily) <<<< that’s only fair… right?